Saints or Colts?

Me?

Unfortunately, I’m not talking about one of my favorite tv shows.  No, I haven’t lost my marbles either… although sometimes I wonder.  I attempted to update Word Press and it didn’t install correctly, so in the process I lost my blog.  ::insert heavy sobbing sounds::

I tried all my computer magic skills and was unable to bring it back.  I have been thinking about revamping my site,  I guess now is the perfect time. It does make me sick when I think of all the posts I lost.   I was able to find some via Google’s cached files.  At least I will be able to copy and paste some of the them.

I was finally able to update Word Press.  I do like the new version better than the dinosaur version I was running.   Until I have time to revamp my blog, things will look a little funny around here.  So, be on the look out for the “NEW – IMPROVED” version of MSMHS. I know, I know, you can’t stand the suspense… well, you are just gonna have to wait. 

This is the day I have been dreading for months. It has been difficult these last few weeks seeing Father’s Day commercials on TV and hearing them on the radio. I’d see something and think, Hey! Daddy would really like that! Then I remember… he isn’t here. I still go to call him sometimes. I haven’t been able to bring myself to delete his number out of my phone. Sometimes Tracy says, “Dad came to visit me at work today.” I ask, “Which one?” Then I remember. When we have a family get-together, there is that empty seat at the table. No one really talks about it, but I know what they are thinking, because I am thinking it, too.

Just when I think I’ve cried all that I can… there I go again. It has been almost four months since daddy passed. I know it will get easier. But I think all those firsts will be hard. We were blessed to have him as long as we did. I don’t want to forget daddy. Maybe there will be a day when I can be thankful and look forward to those “special days” as a time of rememberance, and not dread them. Maybe there will be time when my heart doesn’t ache. Yes, I am looking forward to that day.

Have you ever noticed how windows always appear clean on the outside?  They appear clean until the sun shines through them and exposes all the smudges, smears and fingerprints.  No matter what one uses to clean the windows, it is virtually impossible to get rid of all the smudges and streaks. Our lives are like that.   We appear clean until the Son shines through us and exposes all the smudges, smears and fingerprints (SIN) in our lives.

“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible,
for it is the light that makes everything visible.”
~ Ephesians 5:13-14

The light, Jesus, exposes our sins.  Unfortunately, sin brings death.  The Bible says:

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” ~ Romans 2:23.

We all have sin in our lives. It is impossible for God to allow sin in heaven. The thing is, we cannot do anything to remove the sin in our lives no matter how hard we try.  I’m reminded of the song… “What can wash away my sins… Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” Thankfully, there is a way to get rid of all the sin in our lives…

“For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
~ John 3:16

God does not want us to perish.  He wants us to have eternal life with Him, so He sent his only Son, Jesus, the spotless lamb, to pay the price for our sins.  Receiving the gift of eternal life is as easy as A…B…C.

“A” is for Admit. You must admit to God that you are a sinner. You must be sorry for your sins and turn away (repent) from sinning.

♥ For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. ~ Romans 3:23

♥ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ       Jesus our Lord. ~Romans 6:23

♥ Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord. ~Acts 3:19

♥ If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ~ 1 John 1:9

“B” is for Believe. You must believe that Jesus is God’s Son and that God sent Jesus to pay the penalty for sin.

♥ For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~ John

♥ Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” ~John 14:6

♥ But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ~ Romans 5:8

“C” is for Confess. You must confess your faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.

♥ That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved…. for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” ~Romans 10:9-10,13

After you admit to God that you are a sinner, repent and turn from your sin, believe that Jesus is God’s Son sent to die to pay for the sins of the world, and confess your faith in Jesus, you are a Christian and know Jesus as your Savior. Admit! Believe! Confess!

Here is a sample prayer that will help you begin:

Dear God,
I know that I am a sinner, and that I need Your grace. Thank you for loving me enough to send your Son Jesus Christ into the world to die for my sins. I believe that He arose from the dead and that He lives today. I confess my sins to You now, and ask that You place Your Holy Spirit in my heart that I may turn away from my sins. I love You, I believe in You, and I want to have a personal relationship with You.  In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

It has been three months since my daddy passed away. They say time heals all wounds… but how much time? It seems like the weight of his passing presses harder on my heart with each passing day. Grief is a difficult thing to deal with. Even as Christians, sometimes we do not know how to handle loss. I know the bible says, “do not grieve as those without hope.” Yes, I have that hope… but for heavens sake, I still grieve. I was reading something the other day about grief. It reminded me the “Jesus wept.”

How simple is that? Jesus grieved the loss of his friend and He wept. What does grief feel like? A constant ache in my heart… A deep loneliness… Depression… All of the above. I miss my daddy so much. I keep thinking how can people go on with their lives like normal when my daddy is gone? How can they go on like normal when I am hurting? Can’t they see? Don’t they know? Don’t they care? I have to put on my mask and pretend everything is alright when inside I’m screaming I AM NOT OK!!!

Yes, I know it is a natural part of life. Yes, I know that he isn’t sick anymore, and I honestly rejoice in that. Yes, I know in my heart he is in a better place…but PLEASE don’t keep telling me that. I know I will see him again someday… but PLEASE don’t tell me that again. That doesn’t make the ache in my heart go away, or the tears stop falling. When we know someone who has a loved one pass, we forget about it after the funeral. We go on with our lives as if nothing happened, but that person must face the incredible loss on a daily basis. They must face the emptiness and the hurt of a broken heart. It isn’t easy.

The great thing is that we are never alone… even though we feel that way at times. I have to keep reminding myself this. And when I don’t remember… God is so gracious and loving to send a gentle voice to remind me… “Hey, I’m here. Lean on me.” Truly, He is the only one who can understand and cares about the way that I feel.

So, I trudge through this grief, one day at a time… holding on to the hope that someday this too shall pass.

Sometimes in life we begin a race and we don’t even know it. Once we realize we are running a race, how do we find the strength to endure ’til the end? We find the strength we need in our faith.

About 30 years ago, my dad began the race of his lifetime when he was diagnosed with Mixed Connective Tissue Disease… LUPUS. He had no idea how this incurable disease was going to affect his life. At that time little was known about Lupus. I can’t imagine how scared he must have been. Would he live to see his two young children grow up? Would he leave his beautiful wife a widow at a young age? Nobody could begin to imagine the journey the next 30 years would bring him.

Lupus is a very cruel disease. It is an autoimmune disorder and it affects organ systems, skin, joints, and internal organs. Basically, it causes the body’s defense system to turn against the body itself. When Daddy was 40 he suffered a massive stroke that left him paralyzed on his right size. Although I know he felt like giving up… he didn’t. His faith in God gave him the strength to go on. I can’t tell you all the times over the years that he has been hospitalized for one thing or another. Many of those times the doctors told us this is the end… but he’d pull through.

About two years ago Daddy had mitro-value replacement at the Sanger Clinic in Charlotte, NC. The doctors gave him a less than 13% chance of surviving the surgery. Not having the surgery meant imminent death. It was a long hard battle, but once again, Daddy beat the odds. God wasn’t finished with him yet.

So many times I remember being angry at God… asking why he would let Daddy suffer so long. I just didn’t understand. I know that I never will. You know the funny thing, I never… EVER heard my Daddy complain. Through all his years of suffering, he kept his faith and sense of humor. There would be times when I know he felt so bad and I’d ask him how he was feeling. He’d say, “With my fingers.” LOL I’ve seen people come to visit him in the hospital… Daddy lying in the bed in such pain he can barely speak and before you know it, he would be encouraging them… praying for them. That is the kind of man my Daddy was. So, if my Daddy can endure so much and keep his faith, then why can’t I? The things that I go through are so small compared to all he suffered.

My Daddy used to listen to the song, “The Light of That City” by the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir over and over again. Each time he would just weep… not tears of sorrow, but tears of joy because Daddy had it all figured out. He knew that the things he suffered here on this earth were nothing when he thought of what awaited him after this life. That was his focus. That should be my focus. That is the strength that I need to finish my race. Daddy endured to the end.

On March 5, 2009, God called his name. It was time for him to go to the home that he longed for… to the place where there would be “no more sorrow, no more pain”… to the place where “the lame will run all over the streets of that city” … to the place where he would “bow down in the light and then rise and turn his eyes to his Lord, Jesus Christ.” It was a bitter sweet day for me. I know that now he is completely healed. I praise God for that! But, this small part of me misses my Daddy.

A friend told me not to think of it as goodbye… but see you in a little while. I know that he is waiting there for me. I just need to have faith and keep my eyes on the prize and endure ’til the end.

“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.” 2 Timothy 4:6-8